*I went through classes as usual, but in the back of my mind was a new undercurrent that rose up every so often to remind me of my leanings. I passed women on the way to lecture halls who returned my gaze, and in their eyes I saw they knew it was not out of friendliness that I looked at them, and that their curiosity was returned.Walking around campus was now filled with sly glances and blushes, not all mine. I smiled thinking about it, pretending I was listening to a lecture about linguistics. The professor misinterpreted my small smile and half closed eyes, and looked at me bewildered but with his own smile. This amused me more. My smile got bigger. Classes went on and on, and now I was looking at my study partner in my room. She flipped a page in her thick hardcover book, mulling over the literature of the 1800's. I reached behind my stereo to pull out a cassette, and inserted it into the machine. Pressing "Play", I knew the music would disturb her and knew also that was why I was. Control.It's control over me. My control over it. When it would start. Keeping it incheck. What it would require of me to appease it. How long the urge would last.Keeping it as a long held private secret. Mine only. To know and fear, andyet, embrace. All of these things, and more, it has been for the better part of forty-fiveof my fifty-two years. But now, it is complicated. Not it isn't so much about my control, or evenit's control. Now it is, quite in fact, completely out of my hands. It started innocently enough, I'm sure. Subtle little urges that all littleboys have growing up. I used to scurry down the stairs to the living room whenI was five or six, real early on Saturday mornings to partake in that timehonored ritual of Saturday morning cartoons. My parents, still dead to theworld from their weekly Friday night trip to the neighborhood tavern, wouldn'trouse themselves for at least three more hours. So I'd turn on the TV, waitthe pre-requisite three minutes for it to warm up,.
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